Counting
“Six weeks Six weeks since my lifeless fetus was removed from uterus. 42 days 42 days since my dreams and hopes were ripped from heart. 1,008 hours.”
Miscarriage During A Pandemic
“This pregnancy was a surprise, this baby was my light at the end of the tunnel. My company during the long, hard days. My motivation to stick something healthy inside my body and keep going.”
Secondary Infertility Journey
We just can’t seem to get to the bottom of this and my daughter is getting bigger and bigger with each month that passes. I am very grateful for her, but I very badly want to have more children.
My Heart Is Heavy & It Hurts
“My heart is heavy and it hurts I feel a physical painful sensation inside Tears are beginning to form in my eyes, but I hold them back. I feel sad, quiet and a feeling of despair washes over me.”
“I Wanted This Baby”
“And that entire time I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, ‘ I WANTED THIS BABY! I PRAYED FOR THIS BABY.’ But I sat in silence and cried.”
“What Do I Want?”
“What do I want? I want to be free of pain. The pain of wanting to be pregnant but not knowing if it will ever happen.”
Feelings Post-Miscarriage
“I am faking it pretty well, but honestly- I am completely overwhelmed and devastated. I have a child who I love, but my heart has a hole for another.”
The Pain of Miscarriage
“I’m terrified if I get pregnant again and have another miscarriage I will add ‘recurrent miscarriage’ to the already long list of my infertility diagnosis”
Body Shaming & Loss
It’s hard enough to deal with fertility issues, but when that loss is coupled with body shaming, it makes the loss feel a million times worse.
Cabbage Leaves
“I don’t think I can ever look at a cabbage again without thinking about the milk that came in after my second trimester miscarriages.”
Infertility & the Workplace
“I waited around at my current role too long before looking elsewhere for a critical career move, hoping I would get pregnant and have some stability at work by staying.”
Pregnant For One Week
“I was pregnant for 7 days and 7 nights. After doing my one billionth cycle of IVF, I had my first positive HCG. After 42 and a half years I was finally pregnant.”
“I Wish I Had Never Given My Baby a Name”
“I calculated that I'd be due on May the 4th, so I nicknamed him/her ‘Baby Yoda.’ I thought that was so cute. I wish I had never given my baby a name.”
Hiding In My Bed
“I've been down this route before but every single time my soul dies a little more And the world keeps on turning And somehow I will move on.”
Don’t Call Me Strong
“I’d rather never be called strong or resilient again By never having to prove I haven’t yet been broken Does it prove weakness when your strength is not tested.”
Letter To Unborn Baby
A letter written to my baby with no heartbeat. To my unborn baby: I don’t why Hashem (G-d) Chose to give you to me And then take you away I don’t know why we were given this test.”
Miscarriage Loss
“The due date. I didn’t bother calculating it. Why get my hope up only to be heartbroken again. So now I’m terrified to get pregnant. But I’m more terrified not to.”
The Impact
Because we need the fuzzy blankets, the homemade cookies, the hugs, the friends and the kindness. Those are the things that we carry with us, in our hearts, long beyond our losses.
Miscarriage Insight
“I’m realizing… of course the loss was extremely painful. But that pregnancy, as short as it was, was a real blessing in my life.”
Permission to Grieve
And what I realized this week, is: It is my right to grieve this. I don’t have to learn to be okay with this. I can grieve the loss, not just of my pregnancies, but the loss of what I dreamt my family to be.